Are Your Hands Opened or Closed?

A reflection from 4 August 2018

I COME WITH TIGHTLY CLOSED HANDS
Reflection night tonight. So much I poured out to God. And then the picture came. Of me coming to the Father saying "Take these hurts and failures from me. Take my heart and heal it." But my hands were closed. The closed hand - symbol of power, the desire to have revenge, the desire to hold on tight, to control.

Here I was standing before God, asking Him to take these things from me but with closed hands. Because it's easier to have your hands closed. It means protection. No one can put anything horrible into your hands. The safety and security. No one can take what is yours. Right? Well, maybe. But it also meant God could not trade my sorrows with his joy. It meant that I could not receive his blessings.

Such a simple illustration with such profound importance. In the attempt to protect myself, I have closed off the blessings that God wants to bestow upon me because I am his child. The hurts I want God to heal, but I still hold on tightly to them.

I COME WITH OPEN HANDS
I want to really surrender what I have in my hands to God and allow him to take the bad stuff and trade it with the good stuff.
I want my hands open so I can grab on to him.
I want my hands wide open so that whatever God has given me I can share with others.
Can we ever receive anything if our hands are full and tightly closed?

I want my hands wide open

GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY BREAD

After a weekend of feeling down, having low mood throughout the day, yesterday (Monday) looked a little better. However, my mood was still pretty low. This morning, I woke up still with pretty low mood. My heart silently prayed that I would have enough emotional capacity to handle today. Every Tuesday, I work at a clinic for a few hours. This means I see patients who may have come from anywhere in life and may bring anything to the consultation. I prayed the same prayer I pray every morning: “Lord give me strength to go through this day”.

On my way to the clinic, I had this sudden burst of energy. I could feel an instantaneous change in my mood. (See people, sometimes it’s not just psychological. The biochemicals in the brain don’t always work the way you want it to). It was such a sudden, drastic change that it actually took me by surprise. Where did I suddenly get this burst of emotional energy from? I was able to get through work with sufficient emotional capacity to do my work well.

On my way back from the clinic, I was thinking about it. And then the phrase, GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY BREAD came into mind. God gave me just enough. Just like his provision for the Israelites in the wilderness.

Today was a surprisingly good day. And I thank God for it!

I even got to share a little bit of what I believe in with my colleagues! Even though I was cut short by my next patient arriving before I could get to the important point that I wanted to talk about, I believe God will use whatever little I have said. I’m confident that I will have a lot more opportunities to talk about what I believe in in the days to come. Most importantly, I hope that all that I say and do will be a living testimony unto Christ. If I’m the only Bible they’re going to read, then may I be it well with the help of the Spirit guiding me.

Grace Amplified

Yesterday, I received the news that I would not be moving on with my course because I was unable to show competency in the areas they required. Of course, nothing done is without any reflection or lesson to be learned.

Through this experience, I have seen God's grace amplified all the more. I have been humbled and have been shown the worth of God's grace. Maybe it's because I have been taking God's grace for granted. Or maybe there was something I needed to learn. Only God knows. But what I know is that I have learned to appreciate God's grace more than ever before.

I have seen how blessed I am to be called child of  the Most High, even though I don't deserve it. It is such a relief to know that I do not have to work for my salvation. Otherwise, where would I be?

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."  Ephesians 2:8-10

Also, the yearning to be with God has been amplified. To leave this world of injustice and suffering, and go and be with God and worship God in His presence forever.

"For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed,  we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come. Therefore we are always confident, and know that as long as we are in the body we are away from the Lord. For we live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad" 2 Corinthians 5:1-10

God's was are best - giving us the confidence of what's  ahead, so that we know that we do not try to please him in without knowing what is ahead before us. Instead, we please him because the price has already been paid for us, and we please him out of love and gratitude and reverence of who He truly is.
The certainty that has come with the receiving of God's grace is a million times better than working and giving something your everything and best, and being constantly told to improve, but without a certainty of what's to come. It is easier to serve God who has already aid the price for us and we are doing this because we love Him, rather than trying to work towards other people's expectations, which end up not giving credit to your efforts or improvements. In all this, I have learned that my worth and identity are found in Christ.

Since then you have been raised with Christ, set your hears on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." Colossians 3:1-4

My identity and worth are found in Christ as opposed to how far I can progress in life in a given time frame. God accepts us just as we are, not looking at our achievements, for Jesus has achieved the ultimate goal for us. He has met the competencies which I could never meet in the the greatest test of life - which is to praise & worship God, obey Him and give the glory due to Him.

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:12-13

Through this, even though I probably did not face hardships as intense as Paul, but I can kind of understand when he wrote,

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Lord, whatever I was supposed to learn through this, please teach me.

This has been a huge learning curve for me, not only in terms of my course at uni, but more so in trusting God, in believing that He knows all things and is in control of all things; that He will bring me through this road of testing; that He can bring something good out of what the world may see as bad.

I am not afraid to share about my failures because, if other people can learn from my failures, and God can be magnified and glorified, who am I to stop that from happening?

As I was reflecting on this whole situation, these songs came to mind, which I will now leave you with:

There Is Still Work In Progress

One of the comments I received as part of my feedback during placements was that I did not look enthusiastic enough. I explained that there was actually not a reflection of what I was feeling. I really enjoyed my time on placements, but I was constantly tired throughout and so it was probably showing more than I would have liked it to. To try and justify myself further, I am not a very outwardly expressive person. So what I am displaying outwardly is not necessarily true of what I am feeling on the inside. This could be due to the fact that I had to suppress most of my feelings while I was younger. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to deny the fact that it  is actually happening. One thing I learned from this is that my values lie very far from that of my supervisor's. My supervisor is certainly a very nice person, but it does not mean that we share the same values. For me, it is better that I receive this criticism than to put on a fake appearance which will tire me even more than if I were to genuinely express it outwardly. Another thing I learned is that only those who have been saved by Grace will know that change is a process and not something you can fake, especially to earn the approval of others. Compared to what I was previously, I have come a long way. Only God can change us to be more and more like Jesus. And that takes time, and everyone has different time periods in which different areas of their life will be changed. I wish she knew that we are all sinners who have been saved by grace and are being transformed daily to be more like Christ. For me, that is the part which I need to change. The thing is I do not change overnight. God has shaped me and brought me so far from what I was before. To deny any change is to underestimate and deny the power of God. On the other hand, to say that I should have reached the end product by now would be to take God for granted and like a genie who is not loving and kind and patient with us.

Dear God, may you be gracious on my supervisor and may she one day come to know and taste the richness of your grace. Amen.

The WHOLE package

Firstly, please understand that the following is written out of an outpouring of emotions. I decided that it was bottled up and now it's like when you shake a fizzy drink and it's just waiting to spill out. I need to vent my frustration somewhere. And being a person who is learning how to use something called emotions, it is probably the only thing i can think of right now.

We often say people don't accept us for who we are. The sad truth is, there isn't anyone who can. Also, sometimes we make promises (most of the time unknowingly) to say that we will be in support of whatever the person is (notice that it is not does). Another sad truth, we can NEVER do it.

If we are gonna accept a person for who he/she is, it means we have to accept EVERYTHING. Including the UGLY side. Unfortunately, most of us don't like anyone's ugly side, sometimes including our own. If you're not gonna accept my ugly side as you do my pretty side, then please don't say you accept me for who I am. Because, I WILL hold you to your word.

If I am gonna work on my ugly side, and you claim you are trying to help me see my ugly side so that i can work on it, then you are first gonna have to admit that I DO actually have an ugly side. And if you want to help me work on my ugly side, then please, don't do things halfway. Help me maintain my pretty side as well.

Don't just keep criticizing everything I do wrong without commending the things that I get right. It is very demeaning and demotivating if all you are gonna notice is my bad side. No, I am NOT saying that you shouldn't my bad side. I certainly welcome that at all times, and please do it with all honesty! But if that's the only thing you are gonna notice about me, then, it tells me one of two things. Either, I am just really that horrible of a person that I have no good side OR you're just really good at your job. Hey, I do do good things as well, okay?

On the other hand, I know I don't get everything right. So if you're only talking about the good things about me but never mentioning the bad, I will (sad to say) have to make the conclusion that you're not being very honest with me. And I don't like that either.

I won't blame you if you're trying to have a balance of both. I am working on that part of me too, i.e. trying to commend and give constructive criticism.

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. That's it. that was the word i was searching for. Don't just tell me what I'm doing wrong as if you've got it all right. Please tell me what I SHOULD be doing RIGHT. If you're just gonna tell me that turning down a particular path is wrong without giving me an alternative route, how are you supposed to expect me to get to the destination, i.e. change of behaviour/habit/thought/etc.??

So please. Let's work together. Help me do it properly. If you're gonna start a job, finish it and DO IT WELL.

One of the things I am trying to work on is my EMOTIONS (and consequently, expressions). I have had a very tough time trying to express my emotions in the correct way over the years. Unfortunately, my lack of ability to express them correctly has gotten me into trouble so many times. It's sad to say that people have assumed so much, that I've lost "friends" due to them not getting to know me first before jumping to conclusions. I wish they understood how hard it is for me to know how to control emotions and expressions. It may be really easy for them, but it is certainly not easy for me.

I am very thankful for those who are wiser than that and actually take the time to get to know some of my background before making assumptions. Kudos to you all! And also thanks for being patient with me as I try to work my way. It IS VERY hard. I'm not even asking you to try understand how it feels on my part. I'm just asking you to be PATIENT with me. I know patience can wear off. If it's too much for you to handle, then I would rather you let me know and politely leave than keep hitting me whether directly or indirectly.


There. I'm done rambling now.

Crack the whip!

Some time last year, i took a trip down to Phillip island, Australia with a group of friends. There we went to see the penguins, a choclate factory and also a heritage farm. At the heritage farm we saw lots of animals run free, enjoyed basking in the sun in the vast open field, took a look at the olden day home, and even milk a cow!

But, one thing that will be forever in my memory is the chance i got at trying to crack a whip. There was a demonstration on cracking whips and the opportunity for visitors to try. I thought it would be a fun experience, pretending i was some famer trying to gather a herd of bulls or something.

The technique was not as hard as i expected it to be. It was pretty similar to how i have used the ribbon ina ribbon dance. Thus, i was able to crack a whip correctly pretty fast.

After that experience, you would think that one would be feeling good about one's self. Instead, i was brought to my knees.  I had heard the sound of the whip cracking. I had even had a go at it myself. I even marvelled at the thought of how painful it would be if someone were under that whip. Then it occured to me that i knew someone who had been. I was reminded of how Jesus was whipped and flooged before he was crucified.

He went through  it 2000+ years ago, to reconcile us with the One who made us. Not because he had to, butbecause he WANTED to. Even though it was us who turned away, God, in his loving nature decided to it upon himself, because he knew that we will not be able to pay for our sin. Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

That day, i was reminded of Go's love for me. I could not imagine how anyone could withstand the torture of that and still be crucified after that. I think if it had been me, i would probably have collapsed under the 10th stroke or something.

As i think about his sacrifice this easter, i am reminded that because he died and rose again, i have new life. He went through all that so that I didn't have to. He did that so that you and i  an havenew life. Moreso, eternal life. I am proud to be called a follower of Christ, a child of God redeemed by his blood.


I hope you have a blessed time reflecting on Christ's sacrifice not only this weekend, but also the rest of the  year.

Isaiah 53:4-6

" Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitte by him, and afflictee. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all like sheep, have gone astray, each of us have turned to his own separate way; and the Lord laid on him the iniquity of us all."

If life were a movie...

... i would rewrite whatever has happened this year. yes, i do wish i could rewrite history. but hey, let's be realistic. we can't. instead, all we can do, is to look back through the year and count our blessings, learn from the mistakes and look forward to doing better. i really have learned a lot this past year, as always.

through out the year, i learned to seek God in a way different than before. i had to really depend on His divine strength, as i could not and would not have made it through if not for Him. i understand better what it means to rest in His Grace. to be honest, it is not as easy as some might think it to be. it's really when you're pushed to your limits, far out of your comfort zone, that you realize that your strength will definitely fail. again and again, 2 Corinthians 12:9 comes to mind.

besides that, i was given the opportunity to lead a number of Bible studies. it made me see things in a way i have never seen before. it's always exciting to re-read God's Word and see what treasures you find each time. there were also a lot of things that i learnt from different places about God's word, like reading well-known Bible stories, but looking at them through new eyes. it's really amazing what you can see from a different perspective!

another thing i learned this year was that God's timing is always perfect. i may seem like a very patient person, but believe me, i can very impatient when waiting for God's timing sometimes. and each time He give me things at the right time, i am very ashamed.trusting God is something that i really need to work on, and He has proved that i cannot do things alone according to my own will. Lord, not my will but Yours be done.

this year, God has amplified my weak points in my life, and i can see Him working in and through me in those areas. sometimes there are painful methods, but i know that i will come out refined, and it is because God loves me that He disciplines me (Hebrews 12:5- 6;11). there were so many times when i would go for Bible study or sunday church service and there's just something in the message that hits home hard.

my eyes were also opened to who are really true brothers and sisters in the faith who are not afraid of humbly coming and pointing out things which may not be pleasant in God's eyes. i also see that my patience, if driven to the edge, can run dry. this amplifies the awesome-ness of God's unending patience! to think that He is waiting for the whole world to turn to Him! how painful it must be for him.

one very important thing i learnt this year is how costly God's Grace is and how blessed i am to have received it and not fall under His wrath. as i share the Gospel with a number of people this year, and i see them rejecting the gospel, i realise i have done nothing and cannot do anything to get it. i do not feel angry at all that these people have rejected it. instead, i feel very sad for them! i pray that in God's kindness and mercy, this was just the beginning of their journey in God's grace; that a seed has been planted and in due time will sprout and grow.

i have been to more camps this year and have learned so many things. i am really thankful to God that i have the chance to do so. of course, i get to make new friends, but ultimately, i get to learn more about the awesome God we have! it's actually really hard to try and summarise every thing into a small paragraph, as there is just so much to share!

i have been exposed to so much this year and have learned so many priceless lessons that it's too long for me to write it down! if you're really interested, please do meet me in person and i would be more than happy to praise and give glory to our God by sharing what He has done in me!

i am definitely looking forward to the following year and see what plans God has in store for me!

have a blessed 2015 :)